Ich bin Kuchen

One thing that tickles me about German is that the word for cake (Kuchen) is (at least to my ears) a bit too similar to the word for female cook (Köchin). So, sometimes when someone asks me what I do, it sounds (to them) like I'm saying: I'm a cake....amusingly reminiscent of JFK's "Ich bin ein Berliner"/"I am a jelly doughnut," no?

Anyway, I am a Köchin and today my tiny, no longer entirely imaginary, catering/private chef company made it's big debut. Not such a big debut, but lunch for 15 is enough for now, especially when you have to schlep everything from here to there. The event inspired a fair about of stress and there are about a million things I would do differently (including remembering to take pictures of my food for your viewing pleasure -- sorry! My beet salad really was picturesque...), but all in all, I guess it was not a total failure and nobody has called in with food poisoning yet, which is always good. I feel kind of like I gave birth today and am now unable to move or really think (though this may also have something to do with a 45km bike ride on Sunday after not having been on a bike in 15 years....). Anyway, during the job, two people wandered into the kitchen (which was in an office building) ooooh-ed and ahhh-ed and then asked for my contact info....and the job ended with the client asking me to do more cooking for her next week, so I can live with that. Sorry, enthusiasm has never been my strong suit. Now I just need to sleep for about 48 hours....then I can eat my weight in sauteed leeks, of which there are many leftover (it was a galette filling).

And on a totally unBerlin-related note: can we actually be expected to vote for someone with a Celine Dion song for her campaign song???!!! I mean, not only does she just really suck, but she's Canadian for fuck's sake. Joder (sorry, couldn't leave that one in Spain).

Vermisst im Kampf (in Berlin)

(In case you don't have your trusty online German-English dictionary handy, "vermisst im Kampf" means MIA, or missing in action.)

1. Why doesn't Europe have any screens? In general, it's a pretty nice place and it's not that I'm suggesting everyone go out and get a flat-screen and their own personal rocket, but do they really like living with gnats and flies? I know we're not likely to come down with a bout of Malaria anytime soon, but screens are a pretty simple, low-tech innovation that keeps bugs out and lets air and light in. There really aren't any downsides that I can think of. Yet another thing I do not understand.
2. And about those Rice Krispies, which I still cannot find, I just wanted to reiterate that I know they're not good. But they have much worse cereals here. If they can have Oger Mpfamps (which are pea green and somehow connected to Schrek), why can't they keep a few boxes of RK around? On that note, I was at a catered BBQ last night and got all excited when the grill chef pulled out a portable gas burner, a bag of marshmallows, and some skewers and started to roast them. Alas, he was never a small American boy and didn't have the slightest idea how one roasts a marshmallow. You can't really blame him, bless his little German heart, but he had the burner on high and was just scorching the outsides. Even if you're not a roast-slowly-until-golden-brown girl like I am, surely you can appreciate the importance of at least roasting it enough to melt it in the middle? I tried to explain the process to him, but either he didn't care (probably) or my broken German ("that is too heat, (rude informal) you must slower") didn't quite get the message across. Alas.
3. Why can't I pay with a credit card at the grocery store, or pretty much anywhere? I thought this was a major international center?
4. I know it's my choice, but I'd like to take a minute/line or 2 to mourn the fact that this is the second summer in a row in which I will eat not a single ear of fresh corn. Why does Europe import Oger Mpfamps but not grow sweet corn? Sad Becca. Please eat an ear for me. I can eat something German for you! Gooseberry, anyone? Oger Mpfamp?
5. My ability to spell. Someone actually signed my yearbook in 6th grade: you're a good speller. I've always that was odd to the point of being hysterical (that was the only nice thing she could think to write? isn't it better to go with "have a nice summer!" or maybe she was genuinely impressed with my spelling). Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I actually used to be an excellent speller. Then I learned Spanish and started dropping consonants where there should be two, etc. And now I find myself smooshing words together to make absurd compound words a la Deutsch. Help.

Of course there are nice things here, too. The rhubarb and asparagus are winding down, but the strawberries continue to be excellent. There are also fresh currants and red AND green gooseberries, I think. This is super cool, but also stressful because I don't really know what to do with them. I have my big Berlin catering debut next week and once that potential nightmare is behind me, I'll make my attack.

In other news, the Hamburg trip was cancelled at the very last minute, as one of our hosts is ill. It was a nice weekend in Berlin, though -- platter shopping at the flea market (my attempt to disguise my poverty as retro chic) for the aforementioned catering situation. And a daytrip to Werder Island -- only about 30 mins from here, famous for smoked fish and fruit trees. We ate a nice fish lunch overlooking the Havel River, visited an orchard museum, and then went for a dip in the Havel! If I hadn't forgotten my camera, you might have gotten to see some fuzzy images. Instead, here is a gooseberry tart!

die Ausländerbehörde

Well, the big news is that I am not going to be deported, but have been granted a 1-year language study visa. This entitles me to be in the presence of the glory that is Germany, but not to work or study anything but the language. Basically, I am allowed to exist here and can leave/enter the country as many times as I want. As far as I can tell, it's next to impossible to figure out which documents you need unless you have a nice German boyfriend to call and ask. You'd think they could post it on the website or something straightforward like that, but as I've mentioned before....the German efficiency thing is a big lie. Once you figure it out, though, the process is pretty simple if you can pull together all the documents. Unlike Spain, you don't have to spend the hottest day of the summer in Lower Manhattan spending $50 to prove that in the last 5 years you were never arrested and convicted of a crime.

Anyway, the bestest part of the experience was the cranky woman who bestowed me with the visa ... she said about 20 times (only a very mild exaggeration): why don't you just get married? Ummmmmmm ok. I prefer not to make major life decisions based on the advice of totally uninformed former East German officials who yell at my nice German boyfriend for thanking someone for letting him use a chair, but on the other hand, it would have saved us 60 euros (as she pointed out). The other really fun part was taking a picture for the visa. Do they have biometric passport photos in the US yet? This is a stupid machine that you must feed 7 euros and then it yells at you over and over again: DO NOT SMILE. Anyway, I have been receiving a lot of angry emails about the lack of photos in this blog. It's really just a reflection of my being technologically challenged, but I have persevered and here, for your viewing pleasure is an actual digital photo of my new, shiny visa. I know it's too small and fuzzy and sideways to really see, but that's for the best.

We are off to Hamburg this weekend to visit the godmother of mein Freund, or probably to her country home near Hamburg if the weather is good. Pray for eel soup, not more fake hollandaise sauce.......

Bats, Democrats, and Sad Marshmallows

Berlin has a plethora of Opera/Classical Music/Theater so you can score good, cheap seats to most any thing. I picked Die Fledermaus because what sounds more amusing than a singing flying rodent (Fledermaus is bat auf Deutsch). As it turns out, it's not so much about a bat (alas), but it was still a good show. Anyway, it was better than our little picnic dinner, which involved a can of Bauerwurst (farmer's sausage or something to that effect) that someone gave mein Freund. Farmer's sausage sounds like it would be rustic and hearty and tasty, but it turns out to be the German spam. I tried to pretend it was pate and made baguette sandwiches dressed up with a nice horseradish-kohlrabi (one of my new discoveries) slaw and the first edible tomatoes of the season, but...it was to no avail. The baguettes here are also really pitiful.

In other news, last night I attended a meeting of the Berlin chapter of Democrats Abroad. I knew some people in Barcelona who were involved in this group, but back then I thought I'd only be gone for a year....which I guess is what all expats think, but as I continue to find myself outside American borders, I thought maybe I would go....see what it's all about, try to be a more informed, if distant citizen. And hey, maybe I would meet some nice people or potential clients. I really had to give myself a talking to about going b/c I was feeling pretty lazy and it was supposedly about to thunderstorm and I hate making small talk and I just didn't want to. But in the end, I yelled at myself a lot for not getting out there enough blah blah blah and so I went. First of all, the best thing about meetings is always the free snacks and everybody knows it. It was at a little German restaurant that looked pretty decent, but there were no snacks and I even had to pay for my own beer. Add that to the list of reasons it's hard to be a Democrat these days. I did manage to snag some good bread and herbed quark from someone else's bread basket. Anyway, it is a really, really good thing that I wasn't trying to meet cute guys at this meeting because everyone else was about three times my age. Seriously, most of these people have lived in Deutschland longer than I've lived on the planet. We listened to a presentation on global warming and then people who share the same opinion proceeded to argue with each other while simultaneously agreeing with each other. My favorite. I plead other plans and snuck out early. Made an excellent fresh peach milkshake at home..... so much for venturing out.

One final complaint: I stocked up on marshmallows at Amerika-Woche. I had big Rice Krispy Treat plans. Come to find out that Berlin/Germany is apparently a Rice Krispy-free zone. Maybe it was presumptuous of me to assume they'd have them here, but they've had them all the other places I've lived (the Spaniards were actually mildly obsessed with Rice Krispies covered in chocolate). They're probably the worst cereal we have, as you can't possibly eat them faster than they get soggy and the whole "snap, crackle, pop" thing isn't really all that amusing, but they have other bad cereals here, including Choco Krispies, which are surely worse. I know you can make Treats with other cereals, but if you're a Rice Krispy Treat virgin you can't have your first time be with Corn Flake Treats. So I'm on a mad search for puffed rice of some kind. Anyway, it's good to have a purpose in life.......

Muppets take Deutschland

So, mein Freund comes from a small town on the Dutch border called Meppen (sounds like a Muppet character, no?) and this weekend we took advantage of Pfingswochenende or Pentecost -- the beginning of this word (the P-F part) is pronounced with a subtle ppppfffff sound, but I prefer to "Puh-Fuh" it, which I find highly amusing, though I can't say the German people are quite as tickled. Anyway, our train was delayed on the way there (I swear, the trains running on time thing, is just a rumor), but the cool thing was that when we missed our connection Deutsche Bahn (the German train people) paid for an hour-long taxi ride. If you've ever dealt with the humans (?) at Amtrak (let alone when you are wearing an arm cast bigger than your entire body and you are only wearing a tanktop in January in New York b/c you cannot get any substantial clothes over the ginormous cast and some moron got off in Philadelphia with your suitcase leaving you with a little more than a large bottle of cheap cologne), you know that this would never, ever come to pass. But this is supposed to be about the Fatherland, so.... Meppen is a very cute little town including a bar-club called New Jersey (because it's our coolest state and they know it), too many pizza places, pretty churches, etc. There are three rivers that flow about and lots of greenery and farmland. We went kayaking one day, which mostly involved mein Freund rowing and me getting uber excited and moo-ing/bah-ing loudly every 100 feet when we passed yet another cluster of calves/sheep (for whatever reason, only the sheep responded???). All in all, as I have been repeately told, Meppen is clearly the perfect place to be a small German boy. Anyway, it was a nice weekend with perhaps a bit too much of someone else's family and too many prepared mayonaisey or oily cream sauces, but I won't get into that or I'll get in trouble.

Unrelated: My computer is out to get me yet again -- I carried this machine across an ocean. It's a Mac for god's sake. It should know that it's an American computer. Why does it all the sudden think I speak German? Do I look/sound like I want to be immediately connected to Google Deutschland when I type in google.com (Sam, I need you to look into this STAT....oops, no pun intended (she's a statistician!) or Amazon.de? Just because I type in the ocassional German word or quasi-read the ocassional German newspaper article does not mean that I want to conduct all business auf Deutsch.

Amerikanish Berlin

You might think that I am homesick, so far away from my native land for so, so many months. I mean what's a girl to do when the local supermarket doesn't carry baking soda or cheddar cheese? But you needn't worry about me. It's all under control b/c it's Amerika-Woche (America Week) at Lidl, the local budget supermarket!

But first, I must tell you of the other extreme: European cities all seem to have these big department stores and for some reason they have food halls (ie, overpriced grocery stores). Most everyone agrees that Berlin isn't a food town, but the KDW is supposed to be this glowing exception. I had to go to the American consulate because I needed extra pages in my passport (this is, I think, my most impressive accomplishment to date, though to be honest it has mostly to do with having lived in stamp-happy Chile for a year). Side-note, the consulate is (at least temporarily, next to a circus and there a bunch of camels grazing about stinking up the American air). Also, everyone at the consulate tried to speak German to me. If American tax dollars pay your salary, and it says 'US Citizen Services" on the door to your office, please keep your Deutsch to yourself. Anyway, the consulate and the KDW are both on the west side of town, so I decided to swing by on my way home since I don't venture that way too often. Now, I tend to go in more for "ethnic" or fun specialty shops...and I knew that it would be the kind of place that has jars of jam for $15, but still... I had to go to see what I was missing. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined the absurdity, the horor. Yes, uber-expensive jam and silly imported French pastries, etc. A nice, overpriced fish section (horrible monkfish flashback...) and a fun regional sausage section -- you have to love a regional sausage section, no?! But then, I came to the American section. Concord grape jam? Fancy Tex-Mex salsa? Key Lime juice? Sadly, no. The American section at the KDW, the supposed ulitmate gourmet experience in Berlin, has small tubs of crisco for 7 euros, ONE cand of old el paso refried beans for 6 euros, a single box of jello for 3 euros, a box of poptarts for 8 euros (And as I am all too aware, a euro is not the same a dollar). I could go on and on, but for god's sake, crisco is pretty much solidified liquid poison: 7 euros?! I was planning to bring mein Verliebte a special treat, but I was too appalled. I was basically frothing at the mouth and writhing around on the floor in a state of total appalledness, and all the other shoppers were oohing and ahing over the overpriced mediocre pasta, oil, herbed vinegar. It was all too much. I fled.

But then, a few weeks later, I was walking along and I went past Lidl, a grocery store that I don't usually shop in b/c it is a little gross and frighteningly cheap. I happened to notice the ads they had posted in the window, including one declaring that it is: Amerika-Woche! So, this is pretty much the funniest thing I've ever seen. First of all, everything sold is from the "McEnnedy" brand -- with a delightful red, white, and blue logo. Now, in their defence, some of the products being sold as part of "Amerika-Woche" are legit: marshmallows, peanutbutter, cornflake crumbs. Real Americans really these products. But others are just strange; is "Sandwich Sauce" something that has become a typical American food since I was last there and if so, what is it? I personally, wouldn't consider turkey curry pizza American or edible, but ??? I don't have anything against "gourmet quality" walnut oil, but I didn't know it was a typical American thing (though I guess we do grow a lot of walnuts). My favorite thing, though, is that you can buy a US mailbox! The silver kind that says US Post Marshall or something on the front and has a little red flag on the side. But the best part is that my entire shopping cart (multiple pkgs of marshmallows, peanutbutter, walnut oil, and pretty napkins for my upcoming 4th of July party cost about the same as a single can of refried beans at the KDW.

wanderen oder besser, padelln

We have just celebrated May Day here....as in Workers of the World Unite. As I understand it, about 20 years ago with political tension all about, some punks broke into a grocery store...more and more people showed up and started stealing Bier (what else?).... the police came and then a big ol' spontaneous riot broke out. OK, I just checked on Wikipedia and that's not what it says, but that's what I was told by an actual Berlin resident and who really trusts Wikipedia anyway? So, now they have planned planned spontaneous riots, which strike me as rather absurb.....anyway I missed them b/c, outdoorsy girl that I am, went canoeing....a lovely 4-day trip in the lake district just north of here. We did have one day in which everything possible went wrong (proving yet again (as I am oft telling mein deusch Freund, much to his annoyance) that contrary to popular worldwide belief, the Germans are not really efficient, though they are thorough (pingelig!)) -- the bus didn't come and then the tram didn't come and then we had to change trains 3x in an hour, and I forgot the food (which I suppose I can't *really* blame on the inefficient Germans)...etc. But then the next 3 days were completely lovely and we didn't starve....lots of lilypads, cute diving waterbirds, some very good plum Kuchen, and an excellent smoked lake fish (sable? is this a lakefish?). I did get bitten on the eye by a spider causing my eyelid to swell to twice the size of my head and after the swelling went down a bit, causing me to look like a stroke victim, but that's all behind me now. The trip back was totally uneventful and we arrived just in time for a friend's May Day bbq (most of the apt buildings here have these amazing inner courtyards....perfect for bbqs and all sorts of fests).

Anyway, now that the "festivities" are behind us and I have written a pitiful paper on doner kebab (not requiring too much actual research, thankfully -- sorry Salley), my main focus is back to Deutschlernen (learning German).....which is a good project I suppose, but basically sucks as it is an absurd language in which there are a million rules, but never any clues and....... this is an actual, common word: Strassenbahnhaltestelleschild (I think that's right?) (neutral in case you were wondering -- German is also having a constant sexual identity crisis). How can anyone possibly learn a language with words like this (each w/ it's own gender or lack thereof as the case may be)???!!! This language make me seriously nostalgic for Catalan.

In any case, I am now taking a class at the adult ed center, which is a strange mix of kids like me (an au pair from Atlanta, an Australian who loves the clubbing scene here, a Latvian girl who moved for her (oddly) Spanish boyfriend) and kids not so much like me (a Serbian war refuge, a Ukrainian lured here by the promise of work and *almost* forced into prostitution, now taking part is some dangerous trial, a really smelly guy from Ghambia). So far my main accomplishment is scoring a seat far far away from the smelly Ghambian, but I am really closing in on memorizing the prepositions that indicate a need for the dative case.

Anyway, all is not so schlect, my German really is getting better and......spring is always fun and it is asparagus (big fat white ones!) season and Germany is full of rhubarb. There is much to be said against the food scene here (do not get me started on the "ethnic" restaurants), but anywhere with so much rhubarb can't be all bad. This week has also delivered the first local strawberries....which are tiny and amazingly flavorful. And, they have Turkish nisperos (loquats) here...one of my favorites from Spain...tiny new potatoes (in my opinion, Germany is only behind Portugal in terms of potato delectableness) and a plethora of excellent kuchen. Not to mention the Turkish griddle-cooked things that taste *exactly* like the Sonoran tortillas w/ Monterey Jack cheese that my grandmother in Tucson always made for me.

Hope you are enjoying die Frulingsfreunden in your Bezirk too.......